Skies of Arcadia Supercondensed

by Timestones

Originally hosted at http://www.mhho.com/starnik/skiesofarcadia/sc-soa.html. Some images were recovered, others were recreated, and still others are missing.

The story opens with a BIG AIR-SHIP chasing a SMALL AIR-SHIP. The big ship FIRES on the small one, KNOCKING OUT its pilot. ADMIRAL ALPHONSO, captain of the big ship, KIDNAPS the woman pilot of the small ship. Suddenly, there is an EXPLOSION.

Alphonso: What happen?

Vice Captain: Somebody set us up the cannonball.

Alphonso: What?

Soldier: We get boarded.

Captain Dyne: How are you gentlemen?

Alphonso: It's Blue Rogues!

Vyse: All your treasure are belong to us!

Aika: You have no chance for escape, fork it over!

Alphonso: Hmph, fine, but I'm keeping the girl!

The BLUE ROGUES, VYSE and AIKA, CHASE ALPHONSO through his ship and KICK VALUAN SOLDIER BUTT in the process. They catch up to ALPHONSO, who summons ANTONIO to beat them. VYSE and AIKA KICK ANTONIO'S BUTT and RESCUE the girl. ALPHONSO ESCAPES.

Alphonso: Run-run-runaway-runaway!

Aika: Hey Vyse, doesn't this girl look strange?

Vyse: Oooh. . . curves. . .

VYSE and AIKA TAKE the rescued captive to their ship, the ALBATROSS. They learn the girl's name is FINA, and that she DOESN'T KNOW ANYTHING.

Fina: What's an air pirate?

Aika: We are.

Fina: What's that?

Aika: A chair.

Fina: What's a chair?

Vyse: It's something you sit in.

Fina: What's "sit?"

Despite being ignorant, FINA BECOMES FRIENDS with VYSE and AIKA. They bring her back with them to PIRATE'S ISLE where they LIVE. The next day, the VALUAN ARMADA ATTACKS PIRATE'S ISLE and CAPTURES all the pirates there except for VYSE and AIKA, who were TREASURE HUNTING on another island.

Vyse: Talk about a plot convenience.

Mom: Son, because you and Aika were playing on another island and didn't get kidnapped, you have to go to Valua to rescue everyone else.

Vyse: But I don't wanna.

Mom: They're gonna kill your father.

Vyse: Crap, let's go.

VYSE and AIKA SAIL towards VALUA, but their ship is DESTROYED by a giant PURPLE ARCWHALE. They are RESCUED by a fishing boat called the LITTLE JACK. The captain, a grizzled old fisherman with a mechanical arm named DRACHMA, happened to be chasing is chasing the GIANT PPURPLE ARCWHALE to KILL it, because it TOOK HIS ARM.

Vyse: Wait a sec, isn't that almost exactly like the guy in Moby Di-

Drachma: Quiet boy, you want us to get sued!?

VYSE and AIKA BRIBE DRACHMA to take them to VALUA. Once there, they KICK HINEY and RESCUE the other pirates and FINA and then ESCAPE, making a MOCKARY of VALUA and its ARMADA. They RETURN to PIRATE'S ISLE where FINA EXPLAINS WHY THE VALUANS WERE CHASING HER.

Fina: I'm a Silvite, and I know where the Gigas, ancient weapons of death, mayhem, destruction, and general not nice things, are hidden in this world, and the Valuans want to use them to do bad stuff.

Vyse: Don't worry Fina, I'll accompany you on your quest to find the Moon Crystals which power these weapons so we can keep them safe from the Valuans. Aika and Drachma will help too!

Drachma: Wait, I don't remember agreeing to this.

Vyse: Doesn't matter. Because I'm the main character, you're obligated to follow me wherever I go.

Aika: He's right.

Drachma: Dammit.

VYSE and party FLY EAST to the DESERT KINGDOM OF NASR, where DRACHMA ABANDONS VYSE, AIKA, AND FINA'S SORRY ASSES AT A PORT .

Drachma: Obligated to follow you my ass.

Aika: Great, now how are we going to find the Moon Crystals?

Fortunately, the trio meet a SEXY BELLY-DANCER by the name of BELLINA, who is SUSPICIOUSLY all too willing to help them. VYSE doesn't care, however, because he's to busy OGLING BELLINA'S HOT SELF.

Aika: Dammit Vyse, will you stop staring at her garzongas long enough to help us get the Moon Crystal?

Vyse: Oooh. . . *drools*

Fina: What are "garzongas?"

VYSE, AIKA, and FINA EXPLORE a temple and FIND the RED MOON CRYSTAL. They TAKE IT to BELLINA and LET HER LOOK AT IT. This proves to be a BIG MISTAKE.

Bellina: Fools! You should have realized that if you changed two letters of my name, you'd get Belleza, which is who I really am!

BELLINA then CHANGES into ADMIRAL BELLEZA, who uses the RED MOON CRYSTAL to AWAKEN the RED GIGAS, RECUMEN. She then ORDERS RECUMEN to STOMP on our heroes, or better yet, BLOW THEIR FOOL SELVES AWAY WITH RED LASERS OF PAIN. Before they bite the big one, DRACHMA returns and RESCUES them.

Vyse: I told ya, you're obligated to help me.

Drachma: Shut up.

Inside the LITTLE JACK, VYSE tries to DEFEAT RECUMEN and FAILS MISERABLY. He then ATTACKS BELLEZA'S SHIP with a greater degree of success. BELLEZA SURRENDERS and STOPS RECUMEN. THE BLUE ROGUES TAKE BACK THE RED MOON CRYSTAL. They then ADD INSULT TO INJURY by STEALING the engine from BELLEZA's ship and leaving her STRANDED in the desert.

Belleza: Wait a second, you're supposed to be the good guys! You can't do this to me!

Aika: Watch us.

The BLUE ROGUES then FLY to IXI'TAKA where they KICK MORE ASS, including that of ADMIRAL DE LOCO and the GREEN GIGAS, GRENDEL and get the GREEN MOON CRYSTAL. Next, they FLY NORTH to VALUA and the MAW OF TARTAS where the YELLOW MOON CRYSTAL is. BUT THEY RUN INTO TROUBLE.

Valuan Soldier: None shall pass!

Vyse: Get out of my way!

Valuan Soldier: No, I mean it, you can't get through. There's a seal blocking off the Maw of Tartas.

Vyse: . . . Oh.

At that moment, RHAKNAM appears. DRACHMA decides to KILL RHAKNAM to AVENGE HIS SON'S DEATH.

Vyse: I KNEW it! I knew you were a rip-off of that guy from Mo-

Drachma: Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!

They ATTACK the arcwhale but are BLOWN OUT OF THE SKY by ADMIRAL RAMIEREZ. DRACHMA DISAPPEARS, and VYSE is SEPARATED from AIKA and FINA. Fortunately, they are RESCUED and REUNITED thanks to the help of fellow BLUE ROGUES, GILDER and CLARA. Their reunion is short lived, however, because they are then ATTACKED and CAPTURED by ADMIRAL RAMIEREZ.

Vyse: Dammit, didn't we just get away from you?

Ramierez: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Die. . . . . . . .

They are TAKEN to VALUA, but they ESCAPE again, with some help from PRINCE ENRIQUE, who also gives them a BAD-ASS ship, the DELPHINUS.

Aika: Wait, why would the prince of Valua help us?

Enrique: I was tired of being the whiny prince who complained that Valua was doing bad stuff. I wanna kick ass too!

The BLUE ROGUES use the DELPHINUS to ESCAPE VALUA A SECOND TIME, MAKING THE ARMADA LOOK EVEN MORE PATHETIC. ENRIQUE GIVES THE DELPHINUS TO VYSE AND JOINS HIS PARTY. VYSE become CAPTAIN of the DELPHINUS and ASSEMBLES a crew and gets his own base. GILDER RUNS to escape his CLARA, WHO WANTS TO HAVE HIS CHILDREN, letting ENRIQUE take his spot.

Gilder: Yoink!

Clara: GILDER COME BACK! I LOOOOOOOVE YOOOOOOOOU!

VYSE AND CO. FLY AROUND THE WORLD IN THE DELPHINUS. STUFF HAPPENS. They DEFEAT two more ADMIRALS, GREGORIO AND VIGORO, and also WIPE THE SKY with the BLUE GIGAS, BLUHEIM. They find DRACHMA in the LANDS OF ICE with RHAKNAM, WHO IS REALLY THE PURPLE GIGAS.

Vyse: Wait a second, if you dedicated your entire life to killing Rhaknam, then why did you spend the last few months taking care of him until he dies?

Drachma: Dammit boy, that's it! Get over here so I can crush your skull!

Vyse: AUGH!

RHAKNAM DIES. DRACHMA IS SAD. The BLUE ROGUES take the PURPLE MOON CRYSTAL. After that, the BLUE ROGUES fly under VALUA to get the YELLOW MOON CRYSTAL from the YELLOW GIGAS, YELIGAR. FINA now has ALL THE MOON CRYSTALS SHE NEEDS, but can't go home because she MISPLACED HER SHIP. VYSE and his MERRY MEN then STEAL some stuff from the VALUAN ARMADA and convert the DELPHINUS to fly into DEEP SKY where they find FINA'S ship and FIGHT ADMIRAL DE LOCO again, this time BLOWING HIS SORRY ARSE OUT OF DEEP SKY FOR GOOD.

GALCIAN, the LEADER of the VALUAN ARMADA then PULLS A BENEDICT ARNOLD and BEAKS AWAY from Valua. He then makes his own plans to RULE THE WORLD. ADMIRAL GREGORIO TRIES TO STOP GALCIAN. ADMIRAL GREGORIO IS KILLED. ENRIQUE IS SAD. He goes back to VALUA to warn his mother of GALCIAN'S betrayal. VYSE and co. return to their base to give FINA a GOING AWAY party. ADMIRAL RAMIEREZ CRASHES THE PARTY AND DESTROYS THE BASE. He also STEALS the five MOON CRYSTALS for GALCIAN so he can call down the RAINS OF DESTRUCTION and RULE THE WORLD.

Ramierez: Fina, I am your father! I mean- it was us Silvites who called down the Rains of Destruction!

Fina: NOOOOOOOOO!

Vyse: But you can't call down the Rains now, because you only have five Moon Crystals and you need all six!

Ramierez: Oh yeah? Well it just so happens that all Silvites have a Silver Moon Crystal in their bodies, and I'm now going to take one from Fina, killing her in the process!

RAMIEREZ ATTEMPTS to EXTRACT the SILVER MOON CRYSTAL from FINA's chest, but is UNABLE TO DO SO.

Ramierez: Grrr. . . Come on! They aren't THAT big! I mean. . . . . . . . . die. . . . . . .

GILDER's ship OPENS FIRE on RAMIEREZ. RAMIEREZ FLEES. Everyone is sad because RAMIEREZ destroyed their base, but VYSE CHEERS THEM UP with his TYPICAL OPTIMISM.

Vyse: We still have about ten hours of gameplay left. That gives us plenty of time to get revenge!

Everyone: Yay!

Fina: Vyse, will you accompany me to the Great Silver Shrine so I can learn the truth behind the Moon Crystals?

Vyse: Of course I will! Aika and Gilder will come too!

Gilder: Wait, I don't remember agreeing to this.

Vyse: Am I gonna have to explain this to you too?

FINA takes VYSE, AIKA, and GILDER with her to the GREAT SILVER SHRINE. There, they meet the SILVITE ELDERS and learn the TRUTH behind the GIGAS and the RAINS OF DESTRUCTION. IT'S EXACTLY WHAT RAMIEREZ SAID, WHICH MADE THE ENTIRE TRIP KIND OF POINTLESS, WOULDN'T YOU SAY?

Elder Prime: We didn't like the other people of the world, so we killed them, and we're going to do it again. But we like you, Vyse, and your friends, so we'll let you guys stay up here while we drop meteors on everyone's heads below. How about it?

Vyse: Let me sleep on it. *zzzzzzz* HELL NO!

GALCIAN and RAMIEREZ then APPEAR out of NOWHERE. RAMIEREZ KILLS ELDER PRIME AND TAKES THE SILVER MOON CRYSTAL. He and GALCIAN RETRUN to the earth and USE the six MOON CRYSTALS to raise the LOST CONTINENT OF SOLTIS. They then use the RAINS OF DESTRUCTION to DESTROY VALUA while VYSE and co. watch helplessly from the DELPHINUS.

Vyse: Man, watching helplessly sucks.

The BLUE ROGUES RETURN to their base and decide that it's hopeless to try and stop GALCIAN. ENRIQUE returns with ADMIRAL BELLEZA to try and offer some hope, but he FAILS MISERABLY. DRACHMA shows up with the same intent, and SUCCEEDS MASTERFULLY. All the pirates from across the globe BAND TOGETHER with VYSE, creating a fleet of pirate ships. That night, VYSE has TOUCHY FEELY moments with FINA and AIKA.

Fina: Vyse, you make me feel so safe. I think I love you.

Vyse: I know.

Aika: Vyse, we've been best friends since forever, but I'd like to tell you that I _love_ you.

Vyse: I kn. . . . WHAT?

The next day, NO MENTION OF THE PREVIOUS NIGHT'S ACTIVITIES IS MADE, AND THEY AREN'T FOR THE REST OF THE GAME. The AIR PIRATES then ATTACK GALCIAN as he shows off his flying fortress, the HYDRA. The DELPHINUS WINS A FIGHT with the HYDRA, despite the fact that the HYDRA has a bigger laser cannon. The pirates, lead by VYSE, BOARD THE HYDRA AND HAND GALCIAN'S ASS TO HIM ON A SILVER PLATTER.

Vyse: Take that, bitch!

Galcian: Hmmm. . . . No.

GALCIAN ESCAPES, but is stopped by BELLEZA in a KAMEKAZE attack that KILLS THEM BOTH. RAMIEREZ FLIPS OUT and calls down the RAINS OF DESTRUCTION. THE GREAT SILVER SHRINE then FALLS onto SOLTIS, BLOCKING the laser that causes the Rains of Destruction, and DESTROYS the BARIER OF LIGHT that protects SOLTIS.

Silvite Elders: UP YOOOOOOOOOOOOURS!

FINA CRIES. VYSE, AIKA, FINA, DRACHMA, ENRIQUE, and/or GILDER INVADE SOLTIS to FIGHT RAMIEREZ, even though he BEAT THEM STUPID the last time they fought. They find RAMIEREZ SULKING in the middle of SOLTIS.

Ramierez: You mean, mean man! You killed Galcian! Whaaaaa! Uh, I mean- die. . . . .

Gilder: I don't mean to sound crude, but has anyone else gotten the impression by now that Ramierez is gay? *everyone else raises their hands*

They FIGHT with RAMIEREZ, and by some miracle, they ACTUALLY WIN.

Aika: We did it! We saved the world!

Vyse: And there was much rejoicing.

Everyone: *dully* Yaaaay. . .

Ramierez: I'm still alive!

Everyone: Awww. . . .

Ramierez: Now. . . . . die . . . . . . .

RAMIEREZ then SACRIFICES himself to ZELOS, the SILVER GIGAS. ZELOS TRANSFORMS from a small, silver sphere into a big silver sphere. Everyone RETREATS to the DELPHINUS to FIGHT ZELOS before it reaches full power and becomes INVINCIBLE. Even with the powerful MOON RAY attack, ZELOS is no match for the DELPHINUS' MOONSTONE CANNON. ZELOS is blown out of the sky, and the world is SAVED.

Vyse: And there was much rejoicing.

Everyone: *dully* Yaaaaay. . .

"NOT YET! THE BADDLE HAZJUST BEGUN!"

Vyse: . . . The hell?

ZELOS's core then CRASHES into the DELPHINUS and TRANSFORMS to reveal it has FUSED with RAMIEREZ.

Ramierez: ZELOSSHALFEASTONURSOUL! ZELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOS!

Enrique: Was that English?

Ramierez: JUSDDIE VYSE!

Vyse: You first!

VYSE, AIKA, FINA, DRACHMA, ENRIQUE, and/or GILDER FIGHT RAMIEREZ/ZELOS ONE LAST TIME. They WIN AGAIN. This time, RAMIEREZ/ZELOS DISINTEGRATES.

Ramierez: What a world, what a world!

All that remains of RAMIEREZ is a SILVER MOON CRYSTAL. FINA is SAD that RAMIEREZ is dead. VYSE PICKS UP the SILVER MOON CRYSTAL and gives RAMIEREZ's remains a RESPECTIBLE burial at sky, because VYSE is a COOL GUY like that. Everyone then RETURNS to VYSE's base to CELEBRATE. FINA JOINS VYSE and AIKA for good. ENRIQUE gets MARRIED. GILDER CONTINUES to run from Clara. DRACHMA becomes a FISHERMAN again. The world REBUILDS itself, and VYSE, AIKA and FINA sail off to further adventures, presumably HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

Vyse: Until the sequel, anyway.

Aika: They're making a sequel?

Vyse: I hope so.

Fina: What's a "sequel?"

The End.